How Much Life Can You Fit in a Dash?

I had the opportunity last week to travel to El Centro, California with my husband Todd to help him on a funeral.  Truth be told, even though Todd has been in the funeral business almost 20 years, I've not been to many funerals with him.  I've been lucky enough to stay home with our children, and raise them for most of our married life.  Every once in awhile, though, I get the opportunity to help him on a weekend funeral.  The funeral we attended in El Centro was for a family I have never met.  This didn't stop me from crying through almost the entire sermon. It was poignant, and beautifully delivered by a pastor I have never seen before, who belonged to a church I have never been to;  but the message he gave was beautiful, and it touched my heart. I hope it will touch yours as well, as I try to share some of  it here.

He spoke about walking through the cemetery on many different occasions, and looking at the numerous grave markers, and monuments.  When you do this, there is a certain feeling you get, as you look at the names and dates of people who have lived, and died, whether you know them or not. No matter how they lived, or how they died, their lives are written on their grave markers all the same way:  with a name, date they were born, and the date they died, separated by a dash in the middle.  The pastor then went on to speak about that dash.

That little dash represents the life that a person lives between the day they were born, and the day they died.  That dash, for some, represents only a few days, weeks, or years of life.  Infants who may have only had days or weeks to live, or were stillborn, never having the opportunity to draw that first breath.  Children that were taken from us too quickly, leaving parents with broken hearts, and shattered dreams.  For others, though,  that little dash represents so much more.  It's hard to put a whole life into a little dash.  It's hard to see that dash on your mother or father, brother, sister or friend's grave marker, and try to fit all of the life they lived into that little dash.  That little dash represents a childhood, filled with innocent and sometimes mischievous memories.  Playing tag in the schoolyard, the first crush, childhood games, family vacations, jump rope, bicycle rides.  It represents the teenage years, filled with angst, discovering who you are, learning life lessons, driving, dating, friends, and fun. First love, and first heartbreak.  It represents relationships, marriage, sometimes divorce, children, career, military service,  more life lessons, everyday life, still discovering who you are, still reaching, still trying.  That little dash represents middle age, kids gone, a new life, working, problem solving, more life lessons, striving, learning, listening, counseling, helping.  It represents old age, grandchildren, traveling, vacations, retirement, more life lessons, love and occasional heartbreak.  How can one possibly fit an entire life into one little dash?

The answer?  We can't.  No one will know what kind of person your loved one was just from looking at their grave marker.  They will know when they were born, and when they died, but it is up to those yet living to make sure that those who come behind them will know what the little dash on their grave marker entails. In order for a person to have a legacy, what happened during their life, the time that fits in that dash, must be shared.  Stories must be told.  Pictures shown.  People remembered and honored.  Whether you choose to visit a grave marker once a month, or once a year, it is up to you to share that legacy with your loved ones and keep those memories alive.  That dash is indeed a poignant reminder.  A reminder that life is short.  Life is precious.  Love is important.  Live your life to the fullest, and make beautiful memories with your loved ones.  Live every day as if it were your last.  Love more, laugh often, listen with your whole heart.  Think about the dash on your own grave, and ask yourself:  What do you want people to remember about you?  What kind of Legacy will you leave?  How much life can you fit in a dash? 

Where was God?

This week has been a particularly difficult week in our country with the terrorist attack in Boston on Monday.  No matter how many times we hear about acts of evil, they are still hard to deal with emotionally and sometimes, we even find ourselves questioning our faith and asking hard questions about what we really believe.  This tends to happen sometimes after the death of a loved one as well. We might ask, "Why did God allow this to happen?", or "Where was God?".  We also might feel as if we are alone in our suffering and pain.  For many who believe in a loving God, it is difficult to face tragedy and death.  I thought this article was particularly poignant, not only for those who were affected by Monday's bombing (even though I think we are all affected in a way), but also for people who are grieving and suffering from the death of a loved one, and struggling in their faith.  If you find this article helpful, you might also be interested in the book called, "Where was God when...Real Answers to Hard Questions", by Mike Calhoun and Rick Garland.  It deals with this subject in a particularly meaningful and direct way and can be helpful in your grieving process. I hope these resources bring you peace and comfort in your healing journey.

This Book can be ordered on Amazon by clicking HERE.

Where Was God During the Boston Marathon?

By:  Susan Stamper Brown (the original article is linked HERE)

As the F.B.I. and Department of Homeland Security sift through the collateral damage in Boston, one thing is abundantly clear: it was an act of terrorism. Questions, like who is responsible and their motivation, remain to be determined. Along with those questions, one cannot help but ask where God is during events like this.

It is a fair question. I've asked it myself a time or two; especially after losing my husband some years back. There is something about death that shocks the rest of us into reality. We want answers...we need answers. We need to know that somehow in some way the pain we are feeling in that moment is of some significance to someone, somewhere in the universe.

Meanwhile, the clock's pendulum swings, the sun rises and falls, the seasons change and life moves forward...whether we like it or not. At some point along this pain filled journey we call grief, we wonder where, exactly, was God during our time of suffering? Did he hear our cries? Did he see our pain...or was he too preoccupied with bigger concerns to notice?

We cast blame. We want justice. What did we do wrong? What could we have done better? Through the pain, we begin to understand how small we actually are... and how precious life is. We begin to recognize the reality of our own mortality. Like it or not, death is a reality for all of us. It comes for us many times when we least expect...and always too soon...in the blink of an eye or the blast of a bomb.

We must come to grips with the reality we live in a fallen world with all kinds of evil, and there's nothing we can do to separate ourselves from it. Whether we like it or not, the world is full of people who are bent on taking out their anger and frustration on the innocent. Take heart; the short time we spend on this planet is not all there is to living. There is a hereafter, so it might be wise for each of us to figure out where we are headed here after.

In the meantime, instead of focusing on all the evil which seems to permeate every crack and crevice of this planet, we must look for the goodness around us. Like in the marathon runners who ran through the smoke and risked their lives to help the injured and others who crossed the finish line and continued running to the hospital to donate blood for the victims. Where was God? He showed up in the form of first responders and everyday bystanders who applied makeshift tourniquets, carried victims, or simply prayed.

God gets it. He understands our hurts. He feels our pain, empathizes with us in our grief, and hears our cries because He knows what it feels like to watch a loved one die. He's been there. So he cries along with us, reminding us along the way to breathe in... and breathe out... as we wait for history to finish the last pages of the story. Someday, we will look back at this brief moment we called life... and exceptionally bad days like Monday in Boston will somehow make sense...in light of eternity.

10 Things You Didn't Know...(Part 2) David Allen

Today, our series called 10 Things you didn't know about your Funeral Director continues with David Allen. David is Todd's younger brother, and partner. David is working mainly at the Sun City location.  He has been hard at work in recent weeks getting our new location ready to move into, and we are almost finished!  We are excited to be moving into that location in April!  Stay tuned for pictures and more information.  Here are some things you might not know about David:


1.  David is also from a family of nine kids. He is, in fact, Todd's younger brother. Like Todd he wanted to do medicine but soon realized after spending many hours and days at the library socializing instead of studying that medicine was not for him. After much searching and he realized the funeral profession is where he can serve the people in our community most. He graduated from the Mesa Community College Mortuary Science Program in 2002.

2.  David speaks fluent Spanish which comes in handy here in Arizona.  He learned Spanish while serving a mission for his church to Argentina leaving Aug. 1995.  He lived there for two years where he developed a greater love for God and a deep love for the Latino people.

3.  David dreamed of competing in the 1996 Olympics. He spent his senior year in high school away from his family training at the Olympic Training Center in Colorado.  He specialized in Olympic lifts (the clean & jerk and the snatch).  During his time at the training center, one day his dad received a phone call  from David's trainer.  He was concerned about David. Every morning around 5am a girl would come and pick David up, and then after a hour or two she would drop him off.  The trainer was concerned that David had a secret girlfriend and was messing around.  David's trainer was very shocked and surprised when David's Dad told him that they knew about this activity and that David was in fact going to a religious class every morning!  After all that training, sacrifice, and hard work, David decided to serve a mission for God and miss the 1996 Olympics knowing that taking 2 years off of training meant never going to the Olympics.

4.  A little known fact is that David and his wife had their first date on April's Fools Day and were engaged  two weeks later. They were married by the middle of June that year and expecting two months after that. When Dave wants something he is willing to go after it and work hard. =)  They have married for over 12 years, and have 4 beautiful children, Schuyler, Kirkland, Roe, and Jeri.

5.  David loves to do things with his kids like swimming, playing ball, rough housing, and even taking piano lessons. Every Tuesday morning at 5:30 am David and three of the kids load up the car and go to piano lessons.  David is improving... just not as quickly as the kids are.

6.  David has many talents and strengths, but kayaking is not one of them. While visiting his new in-laws and trying to still make a good impression he agreed to go kayaking. The picture says all that needs to be said.

7.  David has a not so secret love.  He loves to listen to talk radio.  David's kids groan when Dad drives because they have to listen to talk radio instead of music. 

8.  David has a very special bond with his daughters.  They have him wrapped around their finger. His oldest daughter who is in kindergarten was recently diagnosed with Celiac Disease which means a completely gluten free diet. This has been a big change in her life.  Under the doctor's counsel the rest of the family was tested.  When the results came back and David too had Celiac Disease. When he told his daughter that he too had Celiac Disease, she stood up, threw her arms in the air and cheered. She was so excited to not be the only one to have special food.

9.  David enjoys nature and hunting. After waiting for 13 years to be drawn out, finally David was drawn out for the coveted archery elk hunt in 2012.  He was able to bring home the prize, a fact he brings up to his family every chance he can. He is the first in the Allen family to shoot archery elk.

10.  David is an eagle scout and has been involved in the scouting program off and on all his adult life.  For his eagle scout project he helped to close off unofficial trails to help preserve nature.  Even unofficial trails can be wrought with unseen danger like the time David was mountain biking in the desert with friends.  It was hot so he removed his shirt, only to have a biking accident and land spread eagle face down in a patch  of cactus. After his friends stopped laughing they were able to help him up where he spent several hours picking out cactus thorns/spikes. That's the joy of being an Arizona boy!

Funeral Fact or Fiction: Myths Revealed

For this week's blog post, I found an article written for Living Well magazine in 2012 that does a great job explaining some of the myths of Funeral Service.  Many people have questions and concerns related to this topic when they come into our Funeral Home to make an arrangement.  As with anything else, you can't believe everything you hear or read about the Funeral Service industry.  This article addresses a few of these myths.  The article can be found online HERE.

Top 5 Myths of Funeral Service
By Rick Allen*

For many years, the funeral industry has been veiled in a cloak of mystery and even fear about the entire process. People have had fears about the funeral industry for a couple of primary reasons. First, the experience itself is something most people will only be responsible for dealing with once or possibly twice in their lifetime, so there is no familiarity of the process. All of us are a little leery about the unknown, so just not knowing what to expect causes anxiety. Second, the public perception about funerals is that they are extremely expensive. This can be true, depending on the choices a family makes regarding the type of funeral service, merchandise selected and whether or not cemetery property has been secured in the past or if that too is a required expense at the time. So, let’s explore the top five myths about funerals and see if we can clear up some of the confusion or misinformation that exists on the subject.

1. Embalming is required – Every state has their own rule regarding embalming. In most states, the requirement for embalming is left up to the funeral home. Typically, if a body is going to be viewed or present at a public service or visitation, embalming will be required by the funeral home. This is necessary for public health purposes and a body that has been properly embalmed and prepared for viewing presents a better memory picture for those seeking closure in dealing with their grief. If cremation is your choice, and no one will need to see the deceased once they have been brought into the care of the funeral home, embalming is not necessary.
2. Cremation is cheaper than burial – In a nutshell, yes. This is true because you eliminate the need for cemetery property in most cases. However, if you have a traditional funeral service followed by cremation the cost will be the same. The difference, or savings, lies in the fact that the need for cemetery property is eliminated. Most funeral homes offer a ceremonial (or rental) casket for those who desire a traditional funeral but also want cremation. The absolute cheapest way to dispose of a deceased individual’s body is by direct cremation. With this option, there is no viewing and no service at all. Additionally, only a minimal container (usually constructed of cardboard) is all that is required to hold the body.
3. Only one person can be buried in a single grave space – Most cemeteries are now offering what is referred to as a second rite of interment. For a fee, usually a percentage of the cost of the grave space, a second interment can be made. If a burial has been made in the past, the second interment may be limited to only cremains. If it is designated prior to the first burial being made, up to two persons can be buried in a single space. Some cemeteries have special sections set out for this and the grave liner is already in place prior to either burial being made. These types of spaces are called lawn crypts.
4. You must have a vault if you choose to bury – This requirement may or may not exist. The cemetery can decide if they require any type of outer burial container. If the cemetery requires such, its primary function is to keep the grave level by providing a foundation for which the dirt replaced in the grave after burial rests on. Typically, these are simply a concrete box and do not provide a dry resting place for the casket. If that is important to you, a protective vault should be chosen and this will meet any minimum requirement of the cemetery.
5. Funerals must be paid for in full up front – Most funeral homes want to know how you plan to pay and yes, some will require you to pay in full prior to the funeral service. If you plan to use proceeds from a life insurance policy to pay for a funeral, most funeral homes will accept an assignment of proceeds as a form of payment. Most funeral homes also accept credit cards as well. Very seldom will you find a funeral home that offers installment payment options, unless you are pre-planning in advance of an actual need.

*Rick Allen is the owner of Allen Family Funeral Options. Visit their informative website at www.affoplano.com to learn more.

Hopefully this article has helped you to feel more informed about Funeral Service myths, and better able to plan and make decisions for your loved one.  Here at Legacy Funeral Home, we offer services and options to fit any budget.  We are happy to speak with you at any time, day or night if you would like more information. If you have questions, or concerns about any of this information,  please feel free to call us, at (480) 963-6200 or send us an email at info@azlegacyfuneralhome.com.

The Funeral is Over...What Now?

So your loved one has passed on, and the funeral is over.  What now?  So many people feel very alone after a loved one is gone.  This pain and grief only intensifies after the funeral, when people stop coming around, stop asking how you are doing, stop calling or coming by to check up on you.  For many, the time after a funeral service can be even more painful and full of grief than the time during the funeral planning.  There are many ways that we can help you during this time.  At Legacy Funeral Home, we don't want our relationship with your family to end after the funeral.  We want you to be able to count on us to help you through the difficult days ahead, the difficult process of healing.  It's the least we can do.

One of the ways we can help is through this blog.  In the days and months to come, we hope to be able to have resources that you can look to in your grief to help make your days easier, and your loss more manageable.  The blog is meant to be an extension to the grief counseling we offer on our website, and at our location.  With more than 15 years in the funeral service business, we have seen that although your grief is certainly unique, and your own burden to bear, many of the things you can do to lessen the grief and pain are the same.  Look for ideas and commentary on grief, healing, and comfort.  We hope that these will benefit you in a profound way.  Have a particular subject that you would like to read about on our blog? Please use the email contact link on the top of our webpage at www.azlegacyfuneralhome.com to suggest a subject, or ask a question.  Any participation from our families would certainly be welcomed, and any feedback on what you read here is certainly welcomed as well.  Leave a comment below, or send us an email with your thoughts or feelings.

One more way we can help is on our website under the "Grief and Support" tab.  There are links to online grief support groups and resources including books about grief support that have been helpful to many of our families going through the grieving process.  You can also sign up there for our 365 Days of Grief Support.  If you input your email address, we will automatically send you a daily affirmation for 365 days, with ideas about how to move on with your life after a death occurs and how to heal physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Families who have signed up for this service have told us that the emails are a simple, yet profound way of remembering their loved one, and healing through their most difficult days.  The service is free, we would never sell your name or email address, or send you unwanted spam mail, and you can opt out at any time.  The following is the first email of the 365 day series of emails, just to give you an idea of the service we are offering:

Daily Email Affirmations by Legacy Funeral Home
Grief is a Five-Letter Word - Day # 1 Loss is everywhere, sprinkled throughout our lives, from childhood into old age. Some losses are shrugged off without much thought or acknowledgement – others are managed, navigated and quickly set aside, but others are so big we can’t ignore them. They lay us on the floor with sorrow, and the grieving process takes hold of us completely. Recognizing the actual regularity of loss, and the proven ability you have to work through loss and move forward with your life allows you to take control of your daily experience. You are the creator of your own experience. These emails will help you to work through grief, and come out the other side a stronger, more complete person. Each message will offer an action, an activity to help you put things in perspective, honor your place in the process, or care for your body and mind in some other way. It is our goal to help you “push the clouds away”, a bit at a time. Activity: Get a pad of paper, a blank journal, or simply a notebook. (I’ve found that writing in a beautiful journal can be inspiring – but some people would rather use an inexpensive notebook.)Buy a pen you love to use – something that writes smoothly and effortlessly. It’s time to start chronicling your experiences. One reason grief disrupts so many aspects of your life is because your loss is not isolated – now is the time to reflect on the other losses in your life. In so doing, each will become an opportunity to experience grief, and release it. List all the beings (animal companions, childhood friends, lovers, or partners) and all the places you’ve lost. Take a moment to honor each loss, perhaps closing the ritual by lighting a candle – a time-honored action of reverence. Here’s an example list from my own life: 1. My first cat, Beethoven 2. My childhood home 3. My first dog, B-B (short for “Beast”, a teacup Poodle!) 4. My marriage 5. My husband 6. My favorite teaching job 7. My mother and father (one dead and the other estranged) You get the idea, don’t you? What you’ll learn from this exercise is the recognition of your resiliency – you are strong, and you will survive this latest loss. Embrace the process, don’t resist it.

The Grieving Child...

Today's blog post comes from an article I read recently on the website for the Focus on the Family organization.  I have found several relevant articles on this website for dealing with children who are grieving, and also dealing with grief yourself.  You can see this article, and link to others with the same subject, HERE.  At Legacy Funeral Home, we want to help you to guide your children through the healing process, and give them the comfort they need during this difficult time.  Please let us know if we can help you in any way.

How to Help Your Child Grieve

by Candy Arrington

Grandpa Joe has terminal cancer. Great-aunt Susie is in the nursing home hospital ward. Your child's classmate just died in a car accident. Terrorist attacks and reports of wars fill the evening news …

Death is an ever-present fact of life, yet even adults face it only with difficulty. Here are some tips to help your children through the grieving process.

• Teach that death is part of life. Parents often avoid talking about death in an effort to protect children from unpleasantness. Instead, look for teachable moments. Wilting flowers, changing seasons or the death of a family pet provides an opportunity to show death as a part of life. Visit elderly friends or relatives to show children that aging is normal. Children will accept and confront death if adults allow it.
• Be honest. Present the information in a straightforward manner with age-appropriate information by explaining, "Granddad died last night." Avoid saying, "He went to sleep" or "He's gone away." These terms leave children wondering if they will die when they go to sleep or if the person is coming back.
• Don't delay telling about a death. Delaying can do more harm than good. If you wait, someone else may tell your child or he will overhear it in conversation. Learning the news from you is less frightening.
• Answer questions. Some children are satisfied with the facts. Others will ask a multitude of questions. Allow questions and answer them, even admitting when you don't have the answer.
• Recognize fears. Death can be a scary concept for children. If your child expresses fear about seeing the body or going to the funeral, don't force the issue. Comfort and reassure your child following a death of somebody he knows.
• Let them see you grieve. Children need to know that grieving is acceptable. Allow children to see you cry. Emotional pain is part of losing a loved one.
• Cherish the memories. Continue to talk about the loved one who died. Look through photo albums, talk about funny things the deceased said or reminisce about pleasant experiences.

Children take their cues from us and model their reactions accordingly. Show them that death and grief are parts of life.

Copyright © 2005 Candy Arrington.

10 Things you didn't know about your Funeral Director...

This post is the first in a series of  "get to know our staff" posts here at Legacy Funeral Home.  When most people think of a "mortician", or a "funeral director", this picture might come to mind:

If you're too young to know who I'm talking about, that's "Lurch" from the old television show "The Addams Family".  This series of posts is meant to show you that nothing could be further from the truth.  Your friendly neighborhood funeral director is just someone like you!  He or she has hobbies, interests, and abilities that don't include death care.  Here are 10 facts you might not know about the Licensed Funeral Director, and Embalmer at our Chandler location, Todd Allen. I know him pretty well, being his wife, so these are the real facts!

1.  Todd comes from a large family of 9 children, 4 boys, and 5 girls.  All of his siblings are now married, and all but two of them live here in the valley of the sun.  In the last family picture we took, there were 45 grandchildren, and still counting!  Now that's a Legacy to be proud of!

Todd with his parents, Bob and Sue and siblings:

 The whole Allen Clan:

2.  Being a Funeral Director wasn't Todd's first choice of profession.  You can say that we happened upon the Funeral profession by chance, I like to think it was meant to be. In high school, Todd worked for Randy Bunker, a friend of the family, in the mortuary business for a short time. While he loved that work, his first choice of a profession was in the medical field.  Todd's father and two of his brothers are doctors.  That was what Todd wanted to be.  It was after failing chemistry a few times, and realizing that medical school would require 30+ more chemistry credits that Todd started to realize he needed to change his plan. He changed his major to Business and Accounting, and was admitted into the Arizona State University College of Business in 1995.  In 1997, when he had finished his Business degree, Mesa Community College announced that it would be piloting a new Mortuary Science Associates Degree program. Todd jumped on the opportunity, and was part of the first graduating class!  Yes, he did get his degrees in reverse order, but we think that his business degree was essential in helping him start and operate funeral homes successfully.  It all worked out with over 15 years in the business, and over 3,000 families served so far. 

Here is Todd with his parents on Graduation day:

3. Todd was a football legend (in his own mind) in high school. Actually, if you talk to those he played with, he really was someone to be reckoned with! Todd played football right here in the valley at Mesa Mountain View High School where he graduated in 1990. Todd was a starting full back on offense, and linebacker on defense.  I can't tell you how many times we have run into people who have said, "I've never been hit as hard as I was by Todd Allen."  At the end of Todd's senior year, he had the most rushing yards in the state until a game where he was injured.  Todd's dad, the team physician, checked him out, and asked him if he was okay, and he could go back into the game.  Todd went back in and played the remainder of the game, but afterward, was in so much pain they went to the emergency room.  It turned out, he had played the entire second half of the game with a broken jaw!  Now that's one tough guy!

4.  Todd loves 80's and 90's era rock music.  His favorite time to listen to the radio is at 10 p.m. on 93.3 FM, when they play "Mandatory Metallica".  He also loves to listen to Sirius Radio's, "Hair Nation".  His favorite band of all time is Guns & Roses. Last Christmas, we got to go see them in concert for the first time.  It was a night to remember...just picture Todd banging his head through the entire concert!  Here we are leaving for the concert:  Can you tell we were excited?

5.  Todd's favorite thing to do is spend time with his family.  He has been married to me (Tami), for almost 20 years now, and we have 6 beautiful children ranging in age from 4 all the way up to 17!  Our oldest, will be a senior next year, and the youngest will be in Kindergarten!  Here is one of our wedding pics, and the whole family: Front row (left to right)--Ashlie, Todd, Jack, Tami, Josh  Back Row (left to right) Abby, Erin, Emie.

6.  Todd's favorite vacations include WATER.  He loves the ocean, and can spend all day out body surfing.  He also loves water sports like wake boarding, and water skiing.  Some of our favorite memories have been made in Oceanside, California, or at Lake Powell.  These are our favorite vacation spots in the world.

7.  Todd loves making funny faces in pictures.  Sometimes it's hard to get a serious picture of him, and sometimes it's next to impossible.  These are some of my favorites:

 Those ones almost got him strangled!  LOL!

8.  When he was 19, Todd went for two years on a mission for his church to Japan in 1990, and is fluent in Japanese.  This skill doesn't seem to come in very handy in Arizona...but is fun to talk about nonetheless. Sometimes he manages to find someone Japanese to talk to when we go out for one of our favorite meals, sushi.  Here is Todd with his dad after returning home from his mission in 1992:

9.  Todd loves hunting!  Growing up, Todd's parents had a cabin in the Utah mountains, and one of the boys favorite past times was hunting.  As he has gotten older, some of these hunts with his brothers, and now with his sons, are some of the greatest memories of his life.  Here are Todd and his brothers on an elk hunt in Colorado:

10.  Todd is a die hard, true blue (well, maroon and gold), dyed in the wool, ASU Sun Devil Fan!  We love to go to ASU football games, and cheer on our home team!  Here's Todd after one of the games getting our baby, Jack, autographs from the players...and who else?  The cheerleaders!  Go Devils!

And there you have it!  Keep checking back, we will be featuring our other Funeral Directors in future posts, as well as our office staff here at Legacy Funeral Home.  You might learn something you didn't know about them as well!