The Five Stages of Grief...

In the internet age, there are more resources than ever for those dealing with the loss of a loved one.  One of the more helpful resources we have found for coping are at this website:  Counseling For Loss  One of the many subjects that it deals with are the five stages death or dying.  Many who have lost a loved one will be able to recognize looking back, the different feelings and emotions they had as time went on.  While it does always get easier with time, dealing with death and loss is always an emotional, spiritual, and even a physical roller coaster.  Some days, you might feel just fine, and think you are adjusting well, while other days you will feel like you can't possibly cope one more day.  These feelings are all normal, and just the way our brain copes with loss.  

In her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, Swiss-born psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross outlined the five stages of grief of someone who is dying.  These stages are also useful for those left behind, as they are also stages of grief that one passes through before finally being able to find closure.

1.  Denial and Isolation: "This is not happening to me."  Just like someone who is faced with a terminal diagnosis, a loved one can also feel denial and isolation upon the death of a loved one.  Many feel like they can't face it, they can't possibly deal with it, and therefore become numb and unable to process their feelings of grief and pain.  

Many people also feel isolated upon a spouse or loved ones death.  Friends don't know what to say, and therefore may not come around as much.  Family might seem aloof, or not really understanding of your feelings.  Many might trivialize feelings of grief, or say things like "you need to move on", or "just keep busy". This can make you feel further isolated, and alone.

2.  Anger: "How dare God do this to me."  Many who lose loved ones feel angry at the loss.  Sometimes this anger comes right away, and sometimes it creeps in after months or years with thoughts and feelings becoming more intense as time goes on.  Feelings of anger are normal, and just another way of dealing with loss and death. You might notice that you get angry at trivial things, or you lose your temper more than usual.  Taking time to meditate, or pray or talk to a trusted counselor or loved one might help you to deal with the angry feelings more effectively, and help you get past this stage of grief.

 3. Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my son graduate." Just as those who are facing death try to bargain, those who have lost a loved one might have these feelings as well.  Feelings of  "why couldn't it be me, instead of him", are common too. Many turn to religion, or the Bible for answers to help them through this difficult time, while others may do the opposite, and turn away from God and religion, believing that God doesn't love them because he took their loved one away from them.  Again, confiding these feelings in a trusted family member, clergy member, or counselor can go a long way to help you heal, and find peace.

 4.  Depression: "I can't bear to face going through this, putting my family through this."  For one dealing with a death, the feeling might be, "I can't face life without this person, or life alone."  These feelings of grief might be overwhelming and even physically and emotionally debilitating at times. This is probably the most harmful stage. Depression hurts your body and mind more than the other stages. It messes with your emotions, actions, and exterior. Your health will slowly dissipate. Those around you will watch you in self-inflicted pain. What someone says meant to help you will go through one ear and out the other. Nothing will matter. The world will be an entire shade of gray If you find yourself feeling depressed, or hopeless, please get help or counseling from a professional.  They can help you to find hope and purpose again.

5.  Acceptance: "I'm ready, I don't want to struggle anymore."  In a person who is living, this stage may never fully come.  Even years down the road, there will probably be a hole in your heart where your loved one used to be. We never fully forget, or heal from a death, but acceptance doesn't mean that we are completely healed, it means that we have accepted that the person isn't coming back, and we can acknowledge that fact.  This is an important step to take so that you can find closure and move on with your life in a productive and meaningful way.  Acceptance doesn't mean that you no longer remember.  The memories you have of your loved one will never fully die. Their legacy will live on in your heart, and you will continue to feel the love that they gave until the day that you move on to see them again.

Being aware of these stages of death and dying can help those who are grieving to better understand the feelings that they are dealing with, and also help them to recover and heal.  Here at Legacy Funeral Home, we are here to help our families to deal with their grief and pain during and after a loved ones death.  If you have questions, or need resources about dealing with grief or loss, please feel free to call us anytime, day or night.  It's part of the commitment we make to you.